?How to Talk So Your Teenager Will Listen

Quote: How to Talk So Your Teenager Will Listen Five ways to reconnect BY CAROLYN KITCH Mary Ann and Mark Littell of northern New Jersey felt they had a good relationship with their sons, Andrew 14, and Peter, 11. But this past summer, the Littells noticed a change in their older son: suddenly he seemed to be talking far more to his friends than to his parents. “The door to his room was always shut,” Mary Ann notes. Mike and Mary Davis of Monroe, Wis., noticed similar changes in their 14-year-old daughter, Meghan. “She used to cuddle up with me on the couch and talk,” says her father. “Now we joke that she does this only when she wants something. Sometimes she wants to be treated like a little girl and sometimes like a young lady. The problem is figuring out which time is which.” Prior to age 11, children tend to tell their parents what’s on their minds—in fact, parents are first on the list, says Michael Riera, author of Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers. “This completely reverses during the teen years,” Riera explains. “They talk to their friends first, then maybe their teachers or counselors, and their parents last.” Parents who do know what’s going on in their children’s lives are in the best position to help them. In a three-year study of more than 20,000 adolescents, Laurence Steinberg, professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia and author of You and Your Adolescent, found that teens who shared details of their daily lives with parents were less likely to have trouble with schoolwork or get involved with drugs or alcohol. Yet more and more parents have a tough time connecting with their teen-agers. Here are seven steps for parents who want to break down the wall of silence: 1. Create a “listening climate.” “It’s not natural for teen-agers to want to sit down and talk,” says Dr. Candace Erickson, a behavioral and developmental pediatrician at New York City’s Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center. “You have to make it seem natural for them.” The key, she adds, is to create an ongoing “listening climate” in your home. “This way, when teens have something important to discuss, coming to you with the problem will seem like an ordinary thing to do.” One of the best ways to achieve this is to set aside special time with your teen-ager on a regular basis. Nancy Pistorius of Lawrence, Kan., says that makes all the difference in her relationship with her 13-year-old daughter, Alyssa. “She and I go out for lunch sometimes, or to the theater. And we have adventures together, like one recent Sunday when we attended a painting workshop.” Dinner is an important—but often overlooked—opportunity for shared family time. According to the Families and Work Institute, a nonprofit research organization, nearly one in five teen-agers rarely or never eats dinner with his or her parents. “It sounds too simple, but according to the thousands of kids I’ve worked with over 26 years, this really does make a difference,” says Nancy Rubin, a schoolteacher in Mann, Calif., and author of Ask Me If I Care: Voices from an American High School. “Just the fact that their parents are interested in what they have to say every night at dinner gives them a feeling of being respected.” 2. Learn the art of “parallel conversation.” The best discussions with teen-agers tend to happen when you’re engaged in what Ron Taffel, a New York City psychotherapist and author of Parenting by Heart, calls “parallel conversation.” That’s when you’re doing something ordi nary together, side by side, putting more emphasis on the activity than on what you’re saying, and not looking directly at each other. This type of nonconfrontational setting keeps parents, as well as kids, at ease. “That’s especially true of dads,” says psychologist Philip Os borne, author of Parenting for the ‘90s. “Though they’re rarely aware of it, most fathers shy away from what they think of as ‘conflict.”’ Such time together could include anything from watching TV to driving somewhere. “My 13-year-old son Sean and I are always throwing a base ball around in the back yard or shooting baskets,” says Bob Donnola of Shelburne, Vt. “Often during these times we have brief conversations about a teacher or friends. These aren’t seri ous talks. I’ve found that Sean likes to say something and then move on. 3. Be a consultant, not a manager. “Teens recoil when parents give them advice, even good advice,” says author Riera. “They don’t need a manager, they need a consultant, an ally. Think about what a business consultant does: instead of jumping in and suggesting change, he carefully listens and helps you sort out your options.” It’s particularly important not to jump in with advice when you know your teen has made a mistake. “They don’t want to be told how badly they’ve messed up, let alone how to get out of a fix,” says Elizabeth Ellis, an Atlanta psychologist and author of Raising a Responsible Child. “Rather, you need to help them think through the situation. Often teen agers will impress you with what they come up with on their own.” This technique proved crucial for one family that Ellis counseled. “They have a 14-year-old daughter who’d been well-behaved until they moved from a small town to Atlanta. In her new, big-city high school, the girl fell in with the wrong crowd and became involved with drugs.” When her parents asked what she thought about the situation she was in, they were surprised by how much their daughter had to say and how rational she was. “She explained that when she first got to the new school,” Ellis says, “she was so grate ful some kids were friendly to her that she was willing to go along with whatever they were doing.” Now, she told her parents, she wanted to break free of the rough crowd “She needed her parents’ sup port to do that,” Ellis continues. “They gave it to her, and she felt much better knowing that they finally under stood the reasons behind her rebellion.” 3. Present a united front. Probably every child has tried, at one time or another, to play off one parent against the other—using that old line “But Dad said I could go!” Teens, however, are even more likely to play this game if they see their parents arguing—about anything. “The simple rule is: don’t argue in front of the kids,” says Thomas Phelan, a clinical psychologist in Glen Ellyn, Ill., and author of Surviving Your Adolescents. Of course this is easier said than done, and sometimes kids overhear a fight. “If this happens,” Phelan says, “make sure you resolve the fight in front of the kids, signaling that the crisis is over and you support each other.” Parents should also have equal authority with teens, an especially difficult goal in families with a step parent. John and Cyndi Dietrich of Plymouth, MD., faced this challenge three years ago when John’s son, Gerry, now 16, moved in with them. The couple talked to him and disciplined him together, and Cyndi attended all of his football games and wrestling matches. “Still,” she says, “I was afraid of being cast as the wicked stepmother if I said the wrong thing. But finally I had to take the risk.” One night Gerry was having a terrible argument with John and Cyndi—he’d been suspended from school for fighting—and he ran out of the house. “I asked him to come back inside so we could talk calmly,” Cyndi says. “He yelled that he didn’t have to talk to me because I wasn’t his mother. I said, ‘No, I’m not, but I take care of you and I care about you and I’m not going to let you fall through the cracks.’ “He calmed down immediately. “The three of us then were able to sit down and have a serious conversation.” 4. Give your kids privacy. “Teens need to have a sense that their parents are not in total command of their lives,” says Rubin. “Their room is especially important.” Sara and Joe Barbero of Billings, Mont., faced this issue with their two teen-agers, Carlo, 16, and Vin cent, 14. “They were at an age when they needed their own territory, and we didn’t want them feeling like they had to leave the house to get it,” Sara says. “So we fixed up a room for them in the basement. “Now” she continues, “we usu ally have a basement full of teen agers talking, eating and playing video games. It’s a lot of noise and traffic, but that’s fine. I’m just glad they’re here, and they’re safe.” Another part of this demand for privacy is a teen-ager‘s emotional and physical withdrawal, monosyllabic responses, pulling away from your hugs, refusing to go places with you. “Some parents feel so upset and rejected when teen-agers retreat or push them away, but it’s a normal part of adolescence;’ says Adele Faber, co-author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. “What many parents don’t realize is that even while the teen-ager is retreating, he doesn’t want you to pull away too.” 5. Write it down. Several experts advise parents to write what they can’t bring themselves to say to their teen agers—or what the teens refuse to hear. “When you put things in writing, they take on added weight,” says Michael Popkin, a family therapist whose video-based program "Active Parenting of Teens” is used by schools and parent groups. “People believe that things are more ‘true’ when they see them in writing, and when they can read them over and over again.”