A Non Muslim Woman Experiments with Hijab

Hijabed Like Me
A Non Muslim Woman Experiments with Hijab
by Kathy Chin

I walked down the street in my long white dress and inch-long, black
hair one afternoon, and truck drivers whistled and shouted
obscenities at me.

I felt defeated. I had just stepped out of a hair salon. I had cut
my hair short, telling the hairdresser to trim it as she would a
guy's.

I sat numbly as my hairdresser skillfully sheared into my shoulder-
length hair with her scissors, asking me with every inch she cut off
if I was freaking out yet. I wasn't freaking out, but I felt self-
mutilated.

I WAS OBLITERATING MY FEMININITY

It wasn't just another haircut. It meant so much more. I was trying
to appear androgynous by cutting my hair. I wanted to obliterate by
femininity.

Yet that did not prevent some men from treating me as a s e x object.
I was mistaken.

It was not my femininity that was problematic, but my sexuality, or
rather the sexuality that some men had ascribed to me based on my
biological s e x.

They reacted to me as they saw me and not as I truly am.

Why should it even matter how they see me, as long as I know who I
am? But it does.

I believe that men who see women as only sexual beings often commit
violence against them, such as rape and battery.

Sexual abuse and assault are not only my fears, but my reality.

I was molested and raped. My experiences with men who violated me
have made me angry and frustrated.

How do I stop the violence? How do I prevent men from seeing me as
an object rather than a female? How do I stop them from equating the
two? How do I proceed with life after experiencing what others only
dread?
The experiences have left me with questions about my identity.

Am I just another Chinese-American female? I used to think that I
have to arrive at a conclusion about who I am, but now I realize
that my identity is constantly evolving.

MY EXPERIENCE OF BEING "HIJABED"

One experience that was particularly educational was when I "dressed
up" as a Muslim woman for a drive along Crenshaw Boulevard with
three Muslim men as part of a newsmagazine project.

I wore a white, long-sleeved cotton shirt, jeans, tennis shoes, and
a flowery silk scarf that covered my head, which I borrowed from a
Muslim woman.

Not only did I look the part, I believed I felt the part. Of course,
I wouldn't really know what it feels like to be Hijabed-I coined
this word for the lack of a better term-everyday, because I was not
raised with Islamic teachings.

However, people perceived me as a Muslim woman and did not treat me
as a sexual being by making cruel remarks.

I noticed that men's eyes did not glide over my body as has happened
when I wasn't Hijabed. I was fully clothed, exposing only my face.

I remembered walking into an Islamic center and an African-American
gentleman inside addressed me as "sister", and asked where I came
from. I told him I was originally from China. That didn't seem to
matter.

There was a sense of closeness between us because he assumed I was
Muslim. I didn't know how to break the news to him because I wasn't
sure if I was or not.

I walked into the store that sold African jewelry and furniture and
another gentleman asked me as I was walking out if I was Muslim. I
looked at him and smiled, not knowing how to respond. I chose not to
answer.

BEING HIJABED CHANGED OTHERS' PERCEPTION OF ME

Outside the store, I asked one of the Muslim men I was with, "Am I
Muslim?" He explained that everything that breathes and submits is.

I have concluded that I may be and just don't know it. I haven't
labeled myself as such yet. I don't know enough about Islam to
assert that I am Muslim.

Though I don't pray five times a day, go to a mosque, fast, nor
cover my head with a scarf daily, this does not mean that I am not
Muslim. These seem to be the natural manifestations of what is
within.

How I am inside does not directly change whether I am Hijabed or
not. It is others' perception of me that was changed. Repeated
experiences with others in turn creates a self-image.

HIJAB AS OPPRESSION:
A SUPERFICIAL AND MISGUIDED VIEW

I consciously chose to be Hijabed because I was searching for
respect from men.

Initially, as both a Women's Studies major and a thinking female, I
bought into the Western view that the wearing of a scarf is
oppressive.

After this experience and much reflection, I have arrived at the
conclusion that such a view is superficial and misguided: It is not
if the act is motivated by conviction and understanding.

THE MOST LIBERATING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE

I covered up that day out of choice, and it was the most liberating
experience of my life.

I now see alternatives to being a woman.

I discovered that the way I dress dictated others' reaction towards
me. It saddens me that this is a reality.

It is a reality that I have accepted, and chose to conquer rather
than be conquered by it.

It was my sexuality that I covered, not my femininity. The covering
of the former allowed the liberation of the latter.

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This article was originally published in Al-Talib, the newsmagazine
of the Muslim Students' Association of the University of California
in Los Angeles (UCLA) in October 1994. At the time of its
publication, Kathy Chin was a senior at UCLA majoring in
Psychobiology and Women's Studies.