Re-turn

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i "Re-turn…"i
I am back in London, I say to my friends, and quickly add: "Isn’t it strange that I now say: I'm Back…?" i
For at least three years since my first arrival in London in August 1992, I had all the classic dreams in my sleep: going back home and reclaiming my place on earth, my share of sand and dust, and my carefree walk, undisturbed or tainted by the most painful experience the stranger would ever feel…iself-consciousness: i

Now, twelve years on, I do not go back to Khartoum as I always wished, I do not return to my own home city… I visit Khartoum, a tourist of my own memories… I do not return anymore… i
travelling south, I've lost one word… going north, I gained it back!! i
I read the word
I think: i
i "Return": a strange concept, and the letter of it on paper is puzzling: i
the "re" has a mysterious sense of a cycle, of going back, of a homecoming. Meanwhile, "turn" is feverishly sitting there, awaiting my reading eye… i
the "u" and "n" exchanging accusations, insults and blames… (who to blame?!) i
And the whole word keeps turning around itself, yet taking me nowhere…i
I return to London
but I go to Khartoum… I do not go back to it anymore… i
I return and re-turn and re-turn: I'm caught in thecycle… i

A good piece for contemplating , Farda
But there is nothing wrong with being 'a tourist of my own
!memories' In fact it is a nice idea with a powerful effect
!When we leave our homeland we only become hyphenated
.I am now a Sudanese-Canadian
The hyphen serves as a way to identify us but as much it serves to seperate Sudan from Canada
!This is where we get lost
.This is why you felt that way when you went back to Sudan
!!!!It is this hyphen

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thank you for the wisdom of the hyphen Ya Mustafa…!!i
When I was writing this, I did not feel sad, nor did I want to stand lingering by the ruins of home, the way classic Arab poets wrote their homage to their land… but somehow, it turned out to be exactly that … i
mind you, in Khartoum, I was claiming that I'm Back! I shouted to my remaining friends, "…I'm here!! I want no guided tour… " i
I felt I was ready for my own, personal re-turn journey!! i
I always dodged nostalgia, ya Mustafa, and will continue to do so, as a life strategy… what scares me about this sort of "tourism" is that it might turn you into the worst type of a recycling enthusiast.. don't know how this is good for the environment, but it is certainly bad for the soul… i
Thanks for talking to me… i

Dear Farda,
Welcome "back" and I look forwards to hearing all about your trip "back" home but right now, let me just thank you for sharing with us this wonderful piece. I don't know if I relate to this but definitely it made me think deeply.

hello …
and I thank you too, ya Nada, for reflecting on this… glad it somehow caught your reading eye…
(on another note, I was searching for your number to say congds to you and Kodi… plse pass my regards till I speak to both of you…)

Ya Hafiz salam!
Home is a very illusive concept.you say I'm going home at the end of a tedious working day, though you might be on a work visit to a remote town and the " home " you're going back to , is but a dreary empty and cold hotel room or a bed-n-breakfast bed , which smells of the hopes and fears and aborted desires of past occupants.
Have you experienced a gush of sentimental feeling similar to that of going home , when you re-turn to a novel or a book of poetry , which you enjoy very much?
Going back to Sudan is psychologically traumatic for the likes of us who nurtured the sweet memories of an imaginary country , which has been destroyed , beyond recognition ,by the thugs of NIF.I've noticed in your contribution to our post on translation the note of a feeling of being back there in Haj Yusuf ( or St. Joseph , as our ancient friend Wajdi Mustafa used to call , back in the seventies.)
The hyphenated- being is wonderful coinage dear Mustafa- Mudathir.
Salam to all
must-adam

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it is, indeed, an illusive concept Ya Mustadam… i
I like your ancient friend's rending of St. Josef, I actually grew up in Borry (or Burry, if you like!)…. i
Thanks for reminding me of those books and poems that I need to re-turn to…i