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 Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم (Re: mustafa mudathir)
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dear Mustafa ,
please have a look at the following suggestions for a different rendering of certain parts of your translation which is great. i enjoyed reading all your texts published on the net and they ask for good critical appreciation of them. this is not the place or the time .I'll save to savor later on.
1. The final enlish text should be properly punctuated. I would be very glad to do that when you finally decide uopn a final version . Send it to me as a word document and I'll do it .
2 The following are but suggestions for another rendering of the meaning the text intends to express and , of course , might be missing the point (s) in mind.
* merely obscured images ---- could be ---mere fuzzy apparitions
* The knocks of their boots----- the rumblings of their boots
* but these a priori------- obvious conclusions
* before its collapse ---------- before its dissipation ( or disintegration)
* denominator ------- factor
* mites do not heed …….. what about the following translation of the whole sentence ( the Arabic text is wonderful here)
Termites are not very much concerned with whatever damage they incur, when miting!
* Indifference……. that happenings ------- events ( instead of happenings)
* What do you think -------- what about other options like see , perceive, discern etc!
* the glorious voluntary custodians ------- the self-elected ……….
* I suggest that you omit the part ( as one of the caustic episodes ) in the sentence ( her marriage to the goalkeeper scorches you as ………..)
* step down can be replaced by retiring , giving up the game
* may be he absorbed ------- digested ??
* The Arabic text suggests the following (I’ve always feared that someone may tamper with this photo album ) instead of I always wanted that…….
* after marriage he moved her from …… what about the following rendering ; After marriage he took her away from her culture –reviving milieu to peripheral setting fraught with revelations of destitute
* Very early on she conceived but…. The Arabic text does not suggest a relation of contradiction or contrast here so I suggest a simple coordination :
Very early on , she conceived and dropped her previous contentions on abortion, along with tens of other desires , disclaimed once and for all. Yet ! She retained / kept / a fetus , that was , most apparently , bewildered..
* You will not redeem her by ……. What about the following rendering : You will not be able to redeem her by reviving the memories of the old days of vigorousness.
* It is of you that one is bereft for you ………. I suggest the following which I think ,reflects the feel of the Arabic text : The tragedy is within you not her. You, who always go the whole hog with your little barren prophecies.
* delayed drives ----------- restrained drives
* how those aliens entered our home --------- or better still : ransacked our homes
*It is a big story -------- what a story!
*They’ve pierced through ------- bayoneted ? speared their way through the fabric of tribal pride. Which took decades to institute , and you know how?’ you obstinately remain , evasively , silent …….
* to flush your rural relatives ------- to pour out your relatives into the alleys of …
* she never tired of repeating ---------- she tirelessly repeated
8 our denial of the scandal trained us for more denials---- our denial of the scandal infused into us a lust for even more denials. We were swept into labyrinthine roads , armed with a tenacity for denial.
* he discovered ------- it dawned upon him
*
calm down a little. Be in your mind, fellow------------ be sensible
fellow
Mustafa Adam
(عدل بواسطة mustadam on 12-21-2003, 01:27 PM)
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| العنوان |
الكاتب |
Date |
| Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustafa mudathir | 12-19-03, 02:17 AM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | Tumadir | 12-19-03, 02:38 AM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustafa mudathir | 12-19-03, 02:48 AM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | Tumadir | 12-19-03, 03:06 AM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustafa mudathir | 12-19-03, 03:15 AM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustafa mudathir | 12-19-03, 03:01 PM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | Tumadir | 12-19-03, 04:34 PM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | Reem | 12-19-03, 09:50 PM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustafa mudathir | 12-21-03, 05:52 PM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustadam | 12-20-03, 10:31 AM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | الزنجي | 12-20-03, 10:49 AM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustadam | 12-20-03, 02:45 PM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustadam | 12-20-03, 09:18 PM |
| Re: Without Herتماضر و مصطفى آدم عايز رأيكم | mustadam | 12-21-03, 01:21 PM |
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mustadam
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