Salam and welcome aboard Al Hassani!
I don't want you to be disappointed so I thought I would warn you that people around here
seldom care to respond, comment or criticize.
Including you of course, as you admitted that you started reading...
A translator needs to hear views of others whether translators or just readers.
You know the old talk about difficulties and impossibility to translate Poetry؟
If that claim is true, then translating songs and lyrics is even more difficult; as you need
to create rhyming lines..short and musical..etc
You succeeded here in rewriting , and I wouldn't say translating, a beautiful song!
It could easily be adopted by one of our musicians and singers and soon it would be
more popular than a lot of the stuff we are forced to listen to.
(This view is non-academic!)