Helping someone with cancer

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Try these tips when spending time with someone with cancer:

* Let the person with cancer be the leader. When they want to talk, listen. Make sure you listen to how they talk, not just what they say. Try to hear what they mean but may not be able to say. Don’t offer advice unless you’re asked to.

* Respect their wishes. Every person with cancer has their own feelings about cancer. Some people don’t want to talk about it. Others may want to talk about it one day but not the next.

* Set aside time for visiting when you won’t be distracted, and take the time you need to listen well. Turn off cell phones or pagers, and focus on the person you are visiting.

* Try to relate to the person in the same way that you did when they were in good health. Your visit will give pleasure to the person with cancer if you can let them know that you still care. When you can’t come up with the words, a hug, a touch or a look filled with love can say it all.

* Ask “What are you feeling?” rather than “How are you feeling?” This may help someone with cancer open up more. Don’t say “I can imagine how you must feel” or “I know how you feel” to a person with cancer – because unless you’ve been through a similar cancer experience, you can’t.

* Don’t feel that you have to say something all the time. Silence can help people pull their thoughts together. Talking all the time can just be words, words and more words, without any real meaning.

* Don’t take things too personally. It’s normal for someone with cancer to be quieter than usual, to need time alone and to seem angry at times.

* Try to keep your eyes on the person you are talking to. If you keep looking around, they might wonder if you’re being honest and open. People can also pick up things from the tone of your voice or the way your face looks. Touching and smiling show someone with cancer that they still mean as much to you, even if they are ill.

* Tell a joke and laugh – it may help the person with cancer get their mind off their illness. People with cancer do not want to talk about their disease all the time. It’s okay to laugh and enjoy life, even when ill.

* Stay in touch as time passes. Regular contact – a card, phone call or visit – can mean a lot. People with cancer often have many visitors when they are first diagnosed, but cancer treatment and recovery can go on for some time.

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